


Just Lay Down Your Weapons

by zemenipearls (ayaanle)



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amputee, Angst, Canon Character of Color, F/F, F/M, Female Character of Color, M/M, Modern Era, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, ex military, soft romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2020-11-01 08:42:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20812286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayaanle/pseuds/zemenipearls
Summary: 26  year-old Adrik is at a crisis. After serving in active combat and losing his arm, he is jaded with his former military career and current life. His sister Nadia tells him to move to Seattle, where he shares an apartment with Nadia and her wife Tamar. After months of aimlessness, and starting a new job, he meets Leoni. She's an overburdened social worker and advocate in a rapidly gentrifying city. Together they find relief from the stresses of life and everyday problems.(Likely not to be updated anytime soon)





	1. A New Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating - T

Adrik’s shoulder was sore, but that was normal. It was the middle of October and he felt like it had been raining for years, but it was probably only a few days. That was fall, winter, and spring in Seattle. The long, wet, dark season. Soon the sun would start setting at 3:30 in the evening and he wasn’t prepared for that, but it was life.

He blended in with most of the other Seattleites rushing through the Hill. Dark jeans, a distressed jacket, and converse that he really wished he had waterproofed before going outside. His hood was thrown over his beanie. At least in this city, people didn’t pay much attention to him. Most didn’t even notice the pinned sleeve, unless they looked at him. 

His apartment was a shitty little thing, where he lived with his sister Nadia and her wife Tamar. Nadia worked for Amazon and never asked him to pay rent, which was nice. But he felt useless. Six months living with her, and he had spent most of that time dealing with the military and the V.A. hospital. He lost an arm in combat, it would make sense if they could just… get him a new one.

But it hadn’t happened yet, and he needed something to do outside the house. Tamar worked at the LGBTQ clinic. He was happy for his sister. They were so in love. So happy. Had their shit together. 

So he found a job at one of the dozens of local indie coffee shops. Way below a living wage, but now he wouldn’t find random spending money in his wallet that Nadia snuck in there. Not that he had friends to hang out with that weren’t the friends of his sister. He didn’t mind going to the lesbian bar with them, but it was a little awkward once everyone was either making out or sneaking into the bathroom.

He was mostly training - the shop wasn’t the most accessible but he was still getting used to it. He would be on the register mostly, until he could practice on the machinery. His coworkers glanced at the arm, more obvious with only his sweater. He didn’t tell them. If they wanted to know and make him relive his worst memory, they would have to ask.

It was exhausting, but he felt more useful than he had in months. He was still gaining his bearings - his body weight and balance had changed significantly. But he didn’t drop anything, he didn’t trip, and by the end of the day people weren’t staring as much.

After work he walked around, getting to know his neighborhood. He had grown up in a small Ohio town and joined the military upon graduation. Seattle was a strange place. Hipsters played polo on bicycles in the park, and there were a blend of techies and grunge folk everywhere he went. But it already felt more like home. He never quite fit in at home. The armed forces just seemed like the right thing to do. He’d been wrong.

It was better when he was out anyway. Distracted by the people, the sounds, and the relentless drizzle. Better than the ugly thoughts at night and when he stared at himself in the mirror. But then he heard Nadia or Tamar, and he tucked those thoughts to bed. 

In the bathroom he felt like an old man. His pill box organized for the week. Antidepressants. Antipsychotics. Pain medicine. Therapy once a month, because there wasn't enough room in the schedule for more. And it took so much longer to get ready, even with suggestions from his occupational therapist.

He sat in bed and grabbed his Kindle, trying to at least learn about himself. He was reading books by other people with PTSD. Combat vets. Therapists and their self help junk. Adrik didn't want to feel this way - the sudden loneliness and anxiety that seized him by the throat. He watched TEDxTalks and did breathing exercises. But it was so slow. 

He went to get a snack in the kitchen and saw Tamar. "Want a beer?" She asked, holding up some microbrewery long neck. Tamar was a Mongolian woman and had short hair with an undercut, a nose piercing, and a neck tattoo that looked like flowers and the roots went onto her chest. 

Adrik nodded and she opened it before handing it over. He was grateful for the consideration. 

"How was work?"

"Not bad," he replied. "Boss seems better than my last one."

"Isn't the President your old boss?" Tamar laughed when he nodded. "Ain't that a bitch. You doing okay man?" There was concern in her amber brown eyes. 

"Some days better than most."

She nodded. Tamar was the definition of "swag" to Adrik. She had tattoos of axes on her forearm and a sun on her shoulder. Her twin Tolya had the same one. She was back from work in a black blazer, white v neck t-shirt, and black pants. He could see why his Midwest good-girl sister was enamored. 

Nadia came home soon after, in her blue jumpsuit and hair in a ponytail. 

"Spend the day playing with drones?" He asked. She beamed at him. They had similar features. Dusky blonde hair, freckles, and green eyes, thanks to their parents they hadn't talked to in years.

"You know it!" She said. "I ordered some delivery for us, so no cooking tonight."

She leaned down to kiss Tamar on the cheek and Adrik looked away. They were so affectionate. Dating was hard, he tried to but he never clicked with anyone. But maybe he was broken inside. 

They ate Indian food and watched The Good Place before he went to bed. He looked at the empty side, covered in his laundry, laptop, and Kindle, and decided to swipe on Tinder. 

A lot of the girls were the same. Edgy types trying too hard, and people who hiked a lot. It seemed like everyone in Seattle hiked a lot. Why? It was a long trek up, a view, and then a long trek down. He fell asleep, but the nightmares and phantom pain weren't as intense.

In the morning he took his first batch of medicine, got ready, and went back to work. He felt more secure, and they even had a nametag ready for him. The people who frequented were artsy freelance types on their MacBooks, all witnessing each other working in public. It amused him.

Because they weren't in the South or Midwest, he didn't have to be overly friendly. He took orders. No one demanded a smile. He fielded questions from his coworkers. "Are you in school?" "What do you do?" As if dealing with V.A. paperwork wasn't a job in of itself. 

"I'm a directionless blob," he finally said. People stopped asking after that. 

It was towards the end of the shift when she walked in.

With the gray weather and monochrome outside, she burst in with a bright yellow dress, under a blue peacoat. She had on rain boots that squeaked with every step, and long braids that went to her mid back. 

"Hi!" She said breathlessly. "Can I get a mocha please? Whatever the middle one is called."

Adrik punched it in, and tried not to stare. She had dark brown skin that was so clear it glowed, and almost black eyes. A gold septum piercing was tucked into her nose, and her smile brilliant. He found himself smiling in return. "Yeah sure. $4.78."

She paid, and then put a dollar tip in the jar. He stared. The next customer got his attention but he was acutely aware of the sunshine girl, trying to catch glimpses of her. She sat down at a table and pulled out a stack of papers and books. When Adrik's co-worker finished the order, he stepped in. 

"No one's in line right now, I'll take it over."

Up close she was even more stunning. Full lips, tall, and with a stunning body as well. The kind of hips and legs men dreamed about. 

"Here's your order," he said, trying to act normal. 

She looked up, and the full force of her smile was too much. "Thank you so much. I needed this." And Adrik needed to breathe. "I hope you have a  wonderful  day." The emphasis made it feel genuine. 

"Thank you. I'll try," he responded. 

"I'll be back and follow up on that," she teased. Then looked at his name tag. "Adrik."

It wasn't until he returned to the register that he realized she never once looked at his arm. That thought carried him through the rest of his shift, even as he peeked over at her. She was deep into a book that looked serious, and was going at it with a pencil and highlighter. 

Once or twice, he thought she glanced at him. Eventually she came back up and ordered a blueberry muffin. This time when she paid, she slid the receipt to him. He unfolded it, and saw LEONI with a heart, and her phone number. She was out the door, without her muffin, before he could respond.

  


  



	2. And I Knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating - T

Adrik had no idea when to call her. Or text. So he sat in the living room flipping through TV stations until the expert arrived. 

"Tamar I need your help." He said, the moment she walked in the door. 

"Oh hey you're back early," she said. She hung her bag up and kicked off her shoes. "Give a bitch a second to settle in."

He impatiently waited while she went and took a shower, grabbed a snack, and then finally sat down next to him on the couch. 

"What if I had needed help with a murderer?" He asked. "I would be dead by now."

"But did you die?" She asked him with a raise of her eyebrows. She gave him a playful punch on the shoulder. "What's up?"

"So I met this girl at work today -"

"Oh my god you met a girl, how old was she? Twelve? Were her parents there?" Tamar grinned. 

He rolled his eyes. He was still learning. "Woman. I met a woman at work today. She gave me her phone number. I don't know what to do. Or say." He looked at her helplessly. "She was so beautiful."

"Do you have a picture?" She asked, leaning over to peek at his phone. He had already stored her name as Leoni - Mocha and Blueberry Muffin, and was staring at a blank chat screen. 

"No. But I mean, Tamar," he sat back. "She had this incredible smile. She must have the best dentist ever. And you know, she didn't look at my stump once. Always at my face."

"White? Black? Brown? Latinx? API?"

"Remind me what API means?"

"Asian Pacific Islander."

"Right. Well she was black. Had those long braids like, the size of a finger?" He was failing to describe exactly how perfect she was. "Bright yellow dress." It was distressing. "Please help me."

"Wow, I'm surprised you didn't combust when she talked to you." She tilted her head. "I wonder if we have mutual friends. Seattle's community of color is pretty small." 

Adrik shrugged, staring at his phone. He never had this kind of issue before. His dating history wasn't remarkable, but he certainly wasn't a monk. 

Tamar finally took pity on him. "Okay Addy, it's super simple. She seemed nice right? You're not gonna send a dick pic? Just say hey, it was nice to meet her. Thanks for her number. Real casual stuff."

He finally did.

**《Hey Leoni, it's Adrik. From the coffee shop. Thanks for your number. You are super beautiful.**

He showed his phone to Tamar. "Too much?" He asked. 

"Shoot your shot man," she shrugged before reaching forward and pushing the send button for him. 

"Shit. That was too forward." He scratched his chin. Years in the army meant he kept his facial hair to a minimum but a stubble was growing in, and his hair was getting longer. "She probably hears it all the time."

His phone dinged and his heart skipped a beat. 

**》Hi!!! I'm so happy you messaged me back! I've never done that before. That's really sweet of you to say. Do you want to go out sometime? A drink? I would say coffee but you might want to stay away from a work environment xo.**

"Wow," Tamar said. "She's enthusiastic. What's she doing give a grumpasaurus like you her number?"

"I resent you calling me a grumpasaurus, Tammy." 

"I resent you calling me Tammy!"

"You call me Addy so it's a fair trade."

"Throw in grumpasaurus and it's a deal."

He smiled down at his phone, only getting up when it beeped a reminder to take his medicine. When Nadia got back, Tamar filled her in on the day. “Oh wow! I’m so happy for you!” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and showered him with kisses on the cheek. He pretended to complain but it was a pleasant feeling. 

“This calls for a celebration!” Nadia said. 

“It’s really not that big of a deal.”

“Well, we were going to go to Taco Tuesday at the Wild Rose anyway. Wanna come with?”

Adrik laughed. “Yeah taco tuesday at the lesbian bar may as well.” He grabbed his jacket and after Nadia changed really quick, they walked down to the bar. He felt like an interloper but Nadia and Tamar were regulars and the bartenders didn’t seem to mind him too much. Adrik pulled out his phone, surrounded by the rambunctious crowd, and responded. 

**《I would really like to. Maybe this weekend? What neighborhood are you in?**

**》I’m in South Seattle, but I work around the Central District. You?**

**《Capitol Hill.**

After a pause, he decided to send a second message.

**《What are you doing tonight?**

They ended up talking the whole time. His tacos went cold since he couldn’t text and eat at the same time but it was worth it. She was trying to catch up on work at home and eating dinner. He learned she was a social worker. Yellow was her favorite color. She was born and raised in the city. He told her that he was from Ohio but relocated to Seattle to be closer to his sister. He didn’t mention his military past yet- didn’t know how she would receive it. And he didn’t blame her if it was negative. Hell, he felt negatively about it now.

Nadia teased him the entire walk home but it didn’t matter. He felt good. He felt light. It didn’t fix things - it didn’t speed up the processing time of his paperwork or get him a job he felt good about, or the nasty thoughts in his head. But it was nice.

Every so often, she popped in. She ordered her mocha, “medium size”, and gave him a wink. They both worked and texted at night. He looked forward to it. He did his breathing exercises, and even brought it up with his therapist when he saw her. 

“That’s wonderful Adrik. Are you managing your expectations?” she asked, kindly. 

“Probably not,” he said. But how could he not be excited and hopeful? He didn’t know what to hope for on Saturday. He was content to stare at her face all night if he wasn’t creepy about it. 

Nadia and Tamar made him change outfits four times before settling on his date outfit. He wore a light blue sweater and dark blue jeans with brown boots. He had a worn-down leather jacket he found at the thrift shop and Nadia helped him pin the sleeve quick. It was like having two moms dote on him, even if they weren’t much older.

Adrik preferred to walk anywhere he needed to go, but he risked getting rained on. So he called a rideshare and took it to the hole-in-the-wall bar Leoni suggested. 

She was waiting in one of the cozy corner booths for him. Her hands fidgeted with her phone as she looked around. Part of her braids were swept up into two small buns on her head, the rest hanging down. He could see her giant hoop earrings, glossy lips, and the thin low cut purple long sleeve shirt. 

When she saw him, her face lit up like the surface of the sun. She immediately hugged him. Her high waisted black jeans were incredible on her. She was tall with thigh thighs and her backside matched. He immediately felt guilty for thinking about her body, when he hated people thinking about his. 

"I'm so glad you made it," she said, slipping back into the seat. "Did you find it okay?"

"Yeah, your directions were great." He looked around. It wasn't too dim, but the ambience was nice. Not too loud either, and hip hop played over the speakers. "You come here a lot?"

"Its one of my favorites," she admitted. "Appetizers aren't bad and the drinks decently priced. For Seattle." 

"I'm still learning my way around. My sister is married so half the time I tag along with them to the lesbian bar. Which is fine but. It's their space I'm encroaching on."

"That's nice and respectful of you." She gave him another smile and he had to catch his breath. His finger tapped out a beat on the table. 

Adrik changed the subject and offered to get them some drinks before remembering he couldn't hold two. But he committed, and the bartender was nice enough to say she would bring them over. 

Conversation with Leoni was effortless. She was funny, captivating, laughed freely, and gave him all her attention. She didn’t check her phone except to take a selfie with him, there weren’t any awkward silences, and they went from politics to music to their childhoods. Adrik found himself talking about his parents - he never did that.

“They were immigrants,” he said. Her head was propped up and the table was littered now with their glasses and bottles. He felt warm and fuzzy, especially when he looked at her. “From St. Petersburg. And they tried their best, I think. But they couldn’t accept Nadia. And she’s my sister you know? She only has me. At least they have each other.” He shrugged awkwardly.

“That’s really admirable of you,” Leoni said, with such sincerity he had to blink back any tears. “I hope you know that you shouldn’t have to choose between family. I’m sorry you did.”

“Its okay,” he tried to wave off. 

“Can I give you a hug?” She asked. He nodded, and she immediately hopped over to his side of the table and wrapped him in a hug so consuming, it was all he could zero in on. His therapist emphasized touch - whenever he disassociated he was supposed to tap on his leg. Make his body feel real. This brought him crashing down to earth, and he hadn’t even known he was floating.

“You can stay here if you want,” he murmured. And she did. 

“I live with my cousin and his boyfriend, and one of our friends. We’re not so different living-wise. My folks live about fifteen minutes away. Which is nice when I want a meal.” She gave him that killawatt smile. 

She leaned slightly against him and Adrik had to make sure he wasn’t imagining it. But when she crossed her legs, letting the other brush against his, he knew that it was real. They ended up talking until the bartender shouted out last call. 

“There’s no way its 1:30,” she said. “Is it?” She pulled out her phone. “Oh my god. I should catch a ride home. I’m so sorry. I was having such a good time.”

He walked her out the bar and they waited for her rideshare. Adrik wanted to kiss her, badly. But any idea on how to approach it was lost on him. And he was still mesmerized. Her ride got there too soon, before he could make a decision. 

"I'll see you soon?" She asked hopefully. 

"Of course," he replied. With more intensity than he meant. She leaned in and kissed his cheek before getting into the car, waving goodbye. 

He decided to walk the mile and a half home. The Hill was still vibrant at night, vendors hawking their street meat and partygoers just leaving in their glittery outfits. When he arrived home, Nadia and Tamar were still on the couch. Nadia was fast asleep and Tamar gave her a shove to wake her up.

"How was it?" She asked eagerly. 

"Amazing. She's amazing," he answered honestly. He showed them the selfie they took together. Adrik didn't even hate the way he looked in it.

"Oh she's beautiful," Nadia said. "Did you kiss her?"

"No," he groaned. "But I wish I did. I wasn't sure what to do."

"Always next time," Nadia said. "You look really happy about her."

He was. When he got to bed there was a text waiting for him.

**》I had a great time tonight Adrik. I can't wait to see you again. Can I make a confession?**

**《 sure, I'm not a narc**

**》 I really wanted you to kiss me.**


	3. Cheap Wine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating - T

Leoni became the best part of Adrik's day. He would wake up to a text from her. She sent him a sun emoji, and talked to him throughout the day until one of them fell asleep. Her schedule was busy so it was a week and a half until they could go on a second date. 

But she still stopped by every so often in the coffee shop. It was never long enough, but it was still wonderful. Tamar gave him a hard time for texting through dinner and How his face lit up whenever his phone buzzed.

Adrik had never been on a midweek date but after work they met at a lounge with appetizers and live music. They claimed a corner booth and he tried not to stare at the way she looked in a sweater dress and tights. This time her braids were swept into a massive bun on her head. 

This time he didn't mistake the way they sat close together, comparing playlists on Spotify and sending each other their favorite songs. 

Adrik enjoyed rock, hip-hop, grime, and indie. Leoni loved neo-soul, funk, pop, and blues. After some food, they went on a walk, sharing headphones awkwardly to play songs for each other. Adrik offered his elbow and it was impossible to ignore her electric personality. 

They eventually found a well lit park bench. Adrik cleared his throat, trying to keep the conversation with going. But Leoni put a hand on the back of his neck and pulled him into a kiss. 

She tasted like honey and smelled like cocoa butter. Her mouth was plush, her lips were soft, and she was gentle at first. When he forgot his surprise, he leaned into her. Adrik traced his tongue gently over her bottom lip before deepening the kiss. He loved when she smiled as he kissed her, how her hands moved from his hair to his back.

It felt like they kissed forever by the time they pulled apart. Her already lush lips were swollen, her eyes bright. Adrik had never seen anyone so beautiful. 

"Now that's what wanted," she grinned. "Did you enjoy yourself?"

"Completely. Did you?"

"A lady never kissed and tells," she said in a mocking voice. "But I do. You're a pretty good kisser Mr. Zhabin."

That made him happy, and they held hands on the way to her light rail station. "I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow," she sighed. "But this weekend is the one before Halloween. Do you have any plans?"

He was originally supposed to go out with Nadia and Tamar, or stay at home and eat candy. "No. What's up?"

"My roommates and I do this whole… thing. Watching movies and then going out and then coming back and watching more scary movies until we fall asleep. I don't know if we're at the casually-hanging-out stage, but I would really love to have you there."

Meeting her roommates. That would be a big deal.  _ What if they don't like me? _ He wondered. But, he did like the idea of moving to the casually hanging out stage with her. Sitting on a couch together. "Sounds good."

Tamar gave him a hard time about changing plans but was ultimately excited for him. "Of course we love having you as our token cishet man, it means you can tell people things we can't. But you seem to really like Leoni." Tamar squeezed his shoulder. "Lets figure out your Halloween costume."

They went to Value Village thrift store and rummaged through the racks for something passable. Nadia was working late on a project but Adrik trusted Tamar's judgement implicitly. They settled on an old bomber jacket and became an old-timey pilot with a flask, scarf, and hat and goggles. 

"If you were really committed, you would grow a pencil moustache," she said on Saturday afternoon.

"I don't want to scare her."

"What are her roommates like?" She asked as she pulled out clothes pins and fixed the sleeve for him. 

"One of them is her cousin, and his boyfriend. Another is a friend of theirs from New Zealand or something. I can't remember the names. But she says they're crazy."

"You would probably describe Nadia and I like that."

"Oh not probably, I do."

Nadia threw a pillow at him, before filling up his flask with whisky. "Some liquid courage for you. Make sure you have fun. Use a condom if you go into her room."

"You know I don't fuck on the third date," Adrik said. "With her roommates home. Unless she wanted to." He considered. "I would do anything she asked me to honestly. She's magnetic you know?" He let Tamar wrap the scarf around him. "I just want to treat her right."

"Boy you are sprung. I like this look on you."

"You like anything that gets me out of your hair so you can be alone with Nadia," he countered. 

"Duh. But I do mean it," she placed her hand on his shoulder. "You look happy. You're my brother, and that's what I want for you."

Adrik gave her a hug before hopping on the bus to Leoni's place. 

The address ended up being a duplex in a worn down but cute neighborhood currently overrun with orange and yellow leaves. The duplex was well maintained and decorated full on in Halloween paraphernalia. A BLACK LIVES MATTER sign was hanging in the window, as well as a rainbow flag.

When he knocked on the door there was loud crash, a commotion, an argument, and then a click. He saw a small south Asian woman with dark skin and short hair looking up at him. Standing behind her was a tall black man with striking gray eyes and sharp cheekbones. 

"Are you Adrik?" The small one asked. 

"I am. Who are you?"

"I'm Inej. This is Jesper. And Kuwei is on the couch making sure Leoni can't get up and stop us from meeting you."

Jesper opened the door and he saw an Asian man sitting happily on Leoni, who was pouting. "Welcome to our home Adrik," she grumbled. But her mouth was twitching in a smile. "And these assholes."

The interrogation wasn't as bad as he feared. Jesper was her cousin from Harlem, Inej was a friend from New Zealand who worked in the film industry, and Kuwei was a graphic designer from San Francisco, and also Jesper's boyfriend. They were friendly and showed off the spread of food available and abundance of wine under $10.

"We wanted you to feel at home, so we got a nice variety of cheese and crackers," Jesper grinned.

"That is the food of my people," Adrik said. "That and bread filled with things."

They all laughed with him and Adrik was pleased. The living room had an eclectic collection of bright furniture, art, and decorations. But there was plenty of seating, and he took off his jacket and accessories, sitting next to Leoni on the sofa. 

He saw the roommates peek at his arm but no long stares, or questioning glances. They had a giant TV on the wall and turned off the lights, everyone grabbing alcoholic beverages, joints, and / or snacks. 

Leoni held his hand under the covers and cuddled against him, while Train to Busan played in front of them. Adrik let himself relax around these new people. Inej, Jesper, and Kuwei were all friendly and talked loudly through the movie, making jokes and funny insights. 

When the movie was over, everyone retreated to get ready to go out. Leoni pulled Adrik down the hall to her room and when she shut the door, she immediately pulled him into a kiss. 

"I missed you," she grinned. "Is that bad? I feel like it's bad."

"I missed you too. So I guess we're both bad," he replied. Her room was as cheerful as she was, decked in yellow, light blue, and gray. She had a vanity with fake sunflowers strung around it, a bed made up, and pictures all over the wall of what appeared to be friends. 

It was what he pictured her liking. She motioned for him to join her on the bed, and they caught up on the rest of the week. 

He politely looked away when she slipped into her outfit. A yellow dress covered in fake blood, with a cardigan on top. "I love thrift stores on Halloween," she said. Leoni strapped an ukulele into her back. "Do you know who I am?'

His face split open in a smile. "You're Lupita Nyong'o from that new zombie movie with the kids?"

She gave him a salute. "Miss Caroline at your service."

They made a motley group but Adrik was impressed. When he and Leoni came back out, there were drinks for prefunking set up, and everyone was more or less in costume. Jesper was dressed as a slutty Area 51 alien complete with green booty shorts and fake antennae. Kuwei was dressed as a sexy robber, presumably going in to steal Jesper. He had a black mask, a striped crop top, and black jeans.

Inej was a little more low key in her outfit. She was in a lavish pirate costume. 

"Where is Elia?" Leoni asked as she made a rum and orange juice. 

"She'll meet us there," Inej said before sipping her beer. 

"Where are we going?" Adrik asked Leoni. 

"There's a club that has a pretty good crowd and DJ. Do you go dancing much?"

"Not in a really long time," he said. "I don't even know if I can dance anymore. I was kind of a club kid when I was younger."

Leoni's jaw dropped and she looked delighted. "What kind of club kid?"

"EDM. Usual white fuckboy shit. Not that I was a fuckboy, I think," he winced. "But my friends were assholes."

"Well this is gonna be different I can promise that," Leoni said.

They piled into an Uber XL and went to the district where everything was going on. Leoni held his hand and Adrik realized he really wanted to have the Talk. The boyfriend girlfriend talk. It was early but Adrik looked at her, smiling in yellow, and knew he was fine not dating anyone else ever again. The intensity of his thoughts scared him.

The line to get inside wasn't too long and before Adrik knew it, he was inside a converted industrial space. R'n'B floated from the stereos and Leoni was already dancing in place. 

Inej was soon linked up to a girl who was several shades lighter with long wavy black hair and black wings, a fresh, and a crow mask pushed up. Inej gave her a kiss on the cheek. 

"This is my girlfriend Elia. Elia, this is Adrik.' 

It didn't matter that Adrik didn't have perfect balance for dancing anymore. Leoni was effortlessly fun and sexy, and he only remembered having a great time, and waking up the next morning in Leoni's bed.

He was dressed in his undershirt and boxers, and Leoni was reading a book next to him. Her hair was tied in a scarf and she smiled when he rolled over and groaned. 

"Was I an idiot last night?"

"Well," she began. "We made out a lot and it was fun and when we left you said you really really like me and wanted to go out again and also really really wanted to be my boyfriend and you would give me the world if I wanted it."

"Oh my god," he buried his head. "I'm so sorry. Let me get out of here."

"Why would you do that? Inej is making us all breakfast and I want my boyfriend to stay and have some."

Despite the hangover and embarrassment, Adrik's face split into a wide smile. 


	4. When You Get Nervous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating - M

When Adrik walked into his apartment, Nadia and Tamar were waiting for him with shit-eating grins on their faces.

“Wait! Wait -” Tamar pulled out her phone, and ‘Get Lucky’ by Daft Punk started playing on the bluetooth speakers. Adrik rolled his eyes. Tamar and Nadia danced and sang along for an awkward minute before Tamar paused it. “Well?!”

“No, we didn’t sleep with each other,” he said, throwing his jacket at her. “In a technical sense, yes, I slept in her bed and apparently said I wanted her to be my girlfriend. And she said yes, so I have a gorgeous girlfriend, who’s roommate Inej makes a way better breakfast than you. Does that mean she’s a better lesbian?”

“Excuse me?” Nadia said, sitting up. “Are you questioning my lesbian honor?”

“I’m just saying.”

Nadia began throwing couch pillows at him, and he scuttled into his room shouting obscenities. But he had a smile that hadn’t gone away since he woke up next to her. He took the medicine he missed from the night before and hopped in the shower, wondering how soon he could hang out with her again. 

By the time he hopped out of the shower, Leoni had already texted him. It was a picture of him sleeping in her bed, sprawled out. Adrik would have been embarrassed, except she drew a heart around his face. Seeing the way that Leoni saw him - it made him feel good. 

Adrik realized it had been a long time since he had really,  _ truly _ looked forward to something. To the next day, and what the future could bring. It terrified him at the same time - but he couldn’t help the falling sensation of optimism.

Leoni asked if he had snapchat, and he made an account and texted back yes. She immediately sent him a video of herself listening to Beyonce, and showed the YouTube dance tutorial on the screen Jesper was trying to move along to. “Typical day at the house!” She chirped. He wished he had anything significant to show her, but it was him in his admittedly sad bachelor room.  _ I really need to spruce it up. _

“Nadia!” He yelled from his bed. When he didn’t hear anything, he shouted again. “NADIAAAAAAAAA.”

“WHAT?!” She screamed back.

“COME HERE!”

“NO!”

“PLEASE?!”

He heard a loud groaning noise and then Nadia threw open the door. She glared down at him, but she had a smile on her face. They had this exact same interaction a hundred times as kids. But he was the younger child and the boy so of course he got away with it. “What is it,  _ durak _ ?”

"I need help redoing my room." He got money every month to help deal with the general shittiness of not having 2 arms, and they had already used a lump sum that he got from the "sorry your arm got blown off" settlement to make his living space more accessible in general. But mostly, he had been sitting on it. "Can you help me with it?"

"Wow, you really like her. Come on, we're going to Target."

Thanks to Nadia he learned more about thread counts, color theory, and that he found mint green to be a nice relaxing color. Tamar was handy at putting things together, like his new dresser, bookshelf, and wall decorations. "Wow Adrik, you're going to move that pile of books off the floor now?"

"Fuck you, Tammy."

"That's your sister's job, Addy."

"You could at least pad the headboard."

"That's why I got you those nice noise cancelling headphones for your birthday."

Adrik flipped her off but the moment she jumped down from the step ladder, he gave her a hug. He spent the rest of the day texting Leoni and making up his room. He felt productive. And he felt good about the space he was occupying in the world.

Work the next day went fairly fast - morning shift in Seattle meant he was up before the sun, but it was a nice sort of quiet as his toes slammed against his boots. He didn't mind the rain, but he wasn't looking forward to the sleet of winter. Adrik couldn't walk in that. 

His week was plain. He worked, pretended that expensive coffee tasted any different to him than a drip pot at home, and talked to Leoni on the phone. It was like he was 15 again and speaking to his crush, neither of them wanting to hang up.

Leoni had a rough week at work. She talked about the homeless she advocated for, and how frustrating the city was. He didn't know what a NIMBY was until she ranted about them ("Not In My Back Yard asshole gentrifiers who move into historically working class neighborhoods and report high schoolers on their stupid watchdog apps and try to hide their BLATANT racism anyway if I had one hour alone with the Councilman to throw down…).

So Adrik decided to do something nice for her. He politely told Nadia and Tamar to fuck off for the evening and made a nice dinner. He felt anxious and kept looking around the apartment. It was decorated less chaotically than her duplex, but he was still nervous. What would she think? After all, Nadia did work for Amazon, the company that displaced many of her clients.

But Leoni arrived, and when she shrugged off her coat, she was wearing a gorgeous teal blue sweater dress that hugged her body. Adrik felt lucky to even be in her presence. The braids were gone and in its place, an afro tiny little spirals going every which way that formed a halo around her face.

"Holy shit," he said. "You look beautiful."

Leoni giggled, a shy look on her face. "Thank you. I wasn't sure what you would think."

"I can barely think right now to be honest." She was like some mythological being placed in his very ordinary apartment and his ordinary life. But he pulled a dining room chair out for her. She crossed her leg and he appreciated the dark skin of her thigh that he saw, wondering if it felt as soft as it looked. 

_ Keep it together soldier, _ he scolded himself.  _ Don't be a creep _ .

"So I don't know how to make a ton of stuff but as a kid, we used to make pelmeni as a family." He didn't want to admit how long he spent on it. "So I thought you could have some of that. Hope you like it."

"And I brought us a drink, " she said. "I hope you like blackberry honey wine."

"I think I'll like anything you suggest," he said. If she put some twigs in front of him and suggested he eat it, Adrik would. 

Leoni seemed to like the food, and they shared funny work stories and heat went to his face when she placed a hand on his thigh.  _ I really am 15, _ he thought. But she had a grin on her face as she finished off her plate. "I really don't want to leave yet. Want to watch a movie?"

"Of course," he responded.

Leoni insisted on cleaning up, and nearly threw a plate at him when he tried to help. "Whoever doesn't cook, cleans up! I got home training," she said. "Go find something to watch. And a blanket."

"I live with lesbians," Adrik said. "We have  _ so many _ pillows and blankets."

"Good women," she said. 

They settled on Into the Spiderverse, since Adrik hadn't seen it yet and Leoni insisted it was the best superhero movie ever. And Adrik was inclined to agree. Leoni kept looking over to gauge his reaction and his chest felt warm, knowing she was curious about his thoughts. 

At some point she was leaning back against him, his arm around her. She kept her arm on his leg again and he shifted a bit, trying not to think too much about the placement. Or her legs spread out on the couch. He was lying to himself if he said he didn't want to sleep with her. But he also wanted Leoni to set the pace.

They started Black Panther after that, which they both had seen. Adrik made it ten minutes in before he couldn't resist, giving her a soft kiss on the hollow of her neck. 

She let out the softest exhale and turned around to face him. Adrik took the chance to wrap his arm around her and continue along her jaw, and back to her neck and along her collarbone. 

Leoni captured his mouth and he lost himself in her lips. Full and soft, they were made for him to explore. Adrik became aware of Leoni's hand snaking under his shirt, fingers trailing on his stomach. 

"Jesus, Leoni," he muttered. He shifted uncomfortably. 

"You don't seem like the praying type," she said, laughing before placing a kiss on the side of his mouth. 

"You're making me one."

Adrik groaned when Leoni slid on top of him. There was no hiding his situation now but she pulled off his sweater before kissing him again, pushing her own hips down against his. Adrik could barely focus, he just knew everything felt good and everything was Leoni. His hand went up her thigh and his fingers pressed in when she muttered his name. 

He played with the hem of her dress when the door suddenly banged open.

Leoni squealed and fell off of him, tossing a blanket over them both. Her lips were swollen, which only made him want to kiss them again. But his face was flushed and both Tamar and Nadia had ear to ear smiles.

"Oh my gosh. You must be Leoni!" Nadia said. "I've heard so much about you."

To her credit, Leoni recovered and instantly sprung up, pulling her dress down. "Hi! So nice to meet you." She shook Nadia's hand and went to shake Tamar, who grimaced.

"No thanks, don't know where that's been tonight."

"Alright," Adrik stood up, careful to keep the blanket in front of him. "Can you guys be annoying somewhere else?"

They acquiesced but waggled their eyebrows all the way to the master bedroom. Adrik wanted to die.

"Leoni. I'm so sorry, I lost track of time and -"

"I'm not. I live with my cousin. I understand." She gave him that beautiful smile. "But uh. I had a lot of fun." Biting her lip, she stared off into space for a moment. "We'll pick up where we left off eventually."


	5. You Tried to Shrug it Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating - T

He had spent hours on the phone so far and was about to go ballistic.

Adrik had had enough, and wanted something to be done about his prosthetic. He had gone running that morning - feeling elated, feeling high. But then he tripped on a curb and instinctively reached out with the arm he no longer had. There was an ugly scrape on his face (and knees, and side). 

So he picked his pride off the street and went home, slammed the door, and called his caseworker. He memorized the hold music at this point. The tinny phone speakers blasted muzak as he applied neosporin as best as he could and yelled at the bandaids because he couldn't open the wrapper with one hand.

Notifications from Leoni popped up on his screen and he wanted to answer, but every foul emotion rose up inside of him. He couldn't bear for someone as pure and happy and wonderful as her to see him like this.

When Tamar came home, he was still on the phone. He was bounced around from caseworker to hospital to veteran benefits back to the main switchboard. Hours. And by the time there was hope, the person was gone for the day. Adrik threw his phone onto his bed, held his head, and began to sob.

Tamar knocked on the door and gingerly opened it. "What's going on?" She asked.

"I just want to talk to a fucking human," he said. "Why is that so hard?"

Tamar reached over and gave him a hug. "I'm sorry. You deserve better. Remember that. Why don't I make you some tea. Put on music, text Leoni, and we'll order some food when Nadia gets home. What are you in the mood for?"

Adrik thought about it. "Pho."

"Then tomorrow we'll come up with a game plan."

He took Tamar's advice, wiping the tears from his eyes and putting on Hozier in the background. When he felt collected enough he picked up his phone. 

_ Fuck _ .

From: Leoni (Mocha & Blueberry Muffin) 7:45AM | [sun emoji]

From: Leoni (Mocha & Blueberry Muffin) 10:06AM | Hey Adrik, how's your day going? Look at this terrible graffiti I saw, probably done by someone who thinks they're the next Banksy

From: Leoni (Mocha & Blueberry Muffin) 13:23PM | Sleeping late? Haha. Jesper wants to know when you're coming over again. I think he wants you to be there for our spice night. Can you handle spice? Not to stereotype on main but Russians aren't famous for their seasoning.

From: Leoni (Mocha & Blueberry Muffin) 16:40PM | Are you OK?

From: Leoni (Mocha & Blueberry Muffin) 18:00PM | Did I do something? 

He immediately typed out on his phone, trying to figure out how to explain the shitshow of today. That he felt hollowed out and unworthy. But it seemed so fake, to type it out. So despite the holding hell Adrik had been in with the V.A., he called her.

She picked up on the first ring. "Adrik?"

"Leoni I'm so sorry -"

"Are you okay, is something wrong?"

"No. I mean. Yes. A lot of things are wrong. And I was dealing with the shit all day, I'm sorry I didn't text back."

"Next time just send a quick message please. That you're dealing with something. I get anxious too."

For some reason that surprised him. She seemed so well put together and calm all the time. But before he could ask, she continued. "Tell me what's going on."

Adrik curled up, placing his back to the wall and pulling his feet onto the bed. "So you know I have one arm, even if we haven't talked about it."

"I knew you would when you were ready."

"I was stationed abroad," he said. It wasnt that he wanted to hide the truth from her. Just, he was ashamed. He played a part in the military machine. "And there was an explosion. And it's gone now. The army told me I would be able to get a prosthetic but nothing has been happening and I tried to do something about it but I just. I was on hold all day." Tears sprang back into his eyes. "It was frustrating." His voice cracked, so Adrik cleared his throat. 

"Oh honey," she said. "That is so hard. I deal with the system every day too and it's just red tape after red tape. You were promised protections in exchange for your service, and they haven't delivered. Even more, they took your voice away by refusing to listen."

Adrik was stunned. Leoni had put a name to the Feeling building up all day. Voiceless. 

"You're right. I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you."

"You make it up to me with actions, Adrik. But I do understand. Want me to tell you about my day?"

"Please."

He listened to her and they talked until Nadia got home. She had such a calming presence on him and Adrik knew that Leoni understood him in a way not many people did. His fellow combat vets were often bigoted bootlickers, but most civilians didn't understand how little support there was after. By the time dinner arrived he felt a little more grounded, and took his medicine.

The next day he sent Leoni the sunshine emoji first, determined to make sure she knew how much he appreciated her. When he was done with his ass crack of dawn shift, he made her order, and walked to her office.

It was a nondescript building, and he saw clients in the waiting area. A shower truck was parked outside and there were plenty of snacks available in the room. Adrik felt guilty - these were people he passed by every day without looking them in the eye. 

Leoni was impossible to miss. Her hair was pulled back in a puff, and she was in a simple long sleeve sweater and dark jeans. She was crouched near a chair, talking to a little girl clutching a teddy bear. 

Adrik had no idea what she was saying but the girl was smiling and chatty, laughing when Leoni made a funny face. Then, standing up, Leoni spoke to the mom. 

When she finally saw him, her eyes lit up. When the conversation was done she excused herself and motioned for Adrik to follow her. She had a small office that was filled with files, and two huge monitors with spreadsheets on them and outlook calendar notifications. She had a corkboard with cards, letters, and photos from clients. And the photobooth they drunkenly went into on Halloween. 

"Oh my god, I needed this," she said as he handed her the mocha and kissed her on the cheek. "Long day. Lot of clients. I can't chat long but there's actually someone I want you to meet."

Leoni stuck her head out her door and shouted. "Chuku!"

A man ambled in. He appeared to be albino, with russet blonde tight curls and blue eyes. "Hi, you must be Adrik. Leoni literally won't shut up about you. My name is Chuku." He shook Adrik's hand. 

"Adrik, Chuku is our personal liaison with Veteran's Affairs. I let him know how you wanted to speak with a human being, and he's willing to help, if you want it."

"I'm sorry this is happening to you," Chuku said. Adrik couldn't remember the last time a man had spoken to him with so much compassion. They told him to suck it up, where the women and nonbinary people had told him to express himself. "And if you would like, I can reach out on your behalf and advocate."

Adrik tried to speak around the tightness in his throat. "I would appreciate that."

Chuku invited Adrik into his office, and Leoni used her hand to make half a heart at him. He made the other. 

* * *


	6. A heart that's hurting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating - M

Friendsgiving was a new concept to Adrik. The Saturday after Thanksgiving (and the clusterfuck of Black Friday where they "participated in the capitalist hellscape" according to Tamar to get Christmas presents), he was celebrating at the duplex. They wouldn't let him cook any food, and Adrik couldn't tell if he was relieved or offended. Instead he was armed with paper plates and napkins ("the good kind, not that flimsy ghetto shit," Jesper yelled in the background).

Inej answered the door, and the house already smelled amazing. Kuwei was running around as well. He was glad to see they were dressed casually as well. At home, he and Nadia had been forced to dress up in stuffy fancy clothes. His family put a lot of stock in formal wear. And church. And community appearances. 

"Hey, you're early," Kuwei said. "Leoni and Jesper are finishing up in the basement if you want to go downstairs." He peered at his backpack. "Did you bring the good plates?"

Adrik nodded and handed them over. The basement stairs were treacherous and he gripped the rail tight. The space was  _ huge _ underneath. He saw a game area with a TV on one side, and Jesper and Leoni on the other. Music blasted, and there were bright lights on them. He realized they were filming some sort of dance video.

A song he didn't recognize played and he was mesmerized by their movements. He noticed she was a good dancer at the club but this was choreographed stuff. He watched with a smile until they finished, and Leoni immediately panted, putting her hands on her knees. 

"Lawdamercy," she exclaimed, them waved Adrik over. "Hey honey. Welcome to the studio."

"What's all this?" He asked. 

Jesper gave him a pat on the shoulder. "What? She didn't tell you? We've been making dance videos together for years. Kuwei also does makeup tutorials, so we set up a place down here to record videos."

"How come you didn't tell me?" Adrik asked, kissing her forehead. 

"I don't know," she mumbled. "Embarassed."

Jesper was already halfway up the stairs. "Why? We have almost 5,000 subscribers."

"Damn, that's a lot. You shouldn't be shy," he gave her a hug. With Jesper gone she put her arms around his shoulder and gave him a kiss. He let himself sink into her. Even damp from exercise all he wanted to do was be with her.

She finally pulled away, although she pouted when she did. "I better go shower and help with dinner before they yell at me. You can hang out with them or in my room if you want."

Adrik decided to face his fear and hang out with her roommates in the living room. He hovered near the kitchen. "Anything I can do to help?" He asked. "I promise I won't un-season anything."

They laughed. Inej gave him a smile "Hey can you just stir that pot?" She motioned. He gladly acquiesced. 

Leoni returned first, in leggings and a short long-sleeve dress. She kissed his cheek again, and he got the whiff of argan and cocoa. Leoni stole him away into the living room to set the table, where they chat about their weeks and general life updates. Nadia and Tamar were on a weekend vacation to Cancun until Tuesday.

"Oh so you have your apartment to yourself?" Leoni asked with a flirtatious grin. "Were you going to invite me over?"

"I mean. If you wanted. I didn't want to presume…" his cheeks turned red.  _ You are a grown ass man Zhabin. You have been stationed in hostile war zones, you will not be laid low asking a beautiful woman to spend the night,  _ he told himself. It didn't help.

"Well. I did get some new sheets," he finally mustered. "If you want."

"I'll pack my bag tonight," she said. "As long as you're okay with it. I don't want to infringe on your me time."

"I spend all my me time thinking about you." He immediately winced at the entendre. "Not like that."  _ Yes like that.  _ "You know what I mean."

"Don't sweat it." She gave him a shy smile and his heart raced faster. 

The dinner ended up being incredible. Chill R'nB played in the background while they ate. Leoni made the most delicious collared greens he'd ever tasted. There was sauteed fish, dumplings, a curry soup, and all manners of bread and drinks. He enjoyed wine with Leoni. Elia also came for dinner.

This was the first time he ever hang out as a couple with friends. His past relationships had been fleeting and they never really got to the being around friends stage. A girl in high school, a woman in the army named Paja, and a woman he once met on leave. One night stands here and there. But none of them seemed to make the impact Leoni did.

He liked her friends. Elia and Inej were on the more serious side, but Jesper brought out a light heartedness in them. Kuwei had an impish smile and Adrik appreciated his dry humor. He would casually say something and no one would get the sly comment until a minute later. 

And of course, Leoni was like sunlight. After dinner he helped clean up as much as he could, while Leoni packed some clothes and toiletries for his place.  _ Did I clean well enough?  _ He thought. Life in the army drilled tidiness into him, but the doubt was still there.

They took a rideshare over to his place and he was nervous with anticipation. Up in the apartment she took off her shoes (Tamar would have approved) and turned towards him. "Where should I put my bag?"

"My room is probably good," he said. She hadn't seen it last time, and when she walked in he tried to imagine what she saw. The new bookshelf, displaying some of his favorites he had been reading. Some vintage Russian ones he treasured, and a lot of nonfiction. A neat, full-sized bed made that morning with white, blue, and mint green bedspread. Nightstand. Fairly spartan walls except a few art pieces he liked in frames. 

"I like it," she said. "It looks like you." She placed her bag on the dresser and started to snoop around. "I can't help it, let me know if I'm intruding."

He nodded, but was fine with her curiosity. She peeked in his closet and drawers and skimmed his books, and he smiled whenever she pulled one out to get a closer look. "You have good taste," she commented. 

"I like political stuff," he said. "I grew up not knowing much. When I left the army I realized I'm just a white dude, I didn't know much." Adrik shrugged. "I might be first generation and all that but no one knows that looking at me."

"You're trying. That's impressive," Leoni said. "And what most people should be doing." She pulled out the book Sister Citizen, then How to be an Anti-Racist. 

"I hope you don't think I'm reading these books just because I'm dating you, or displaying them," he blurt out. 

"Am I the first black girl you dated?" She asked.

He nodded. "I've dated women of color, but not a black woman. Our neighborhoods were segregated growing up. Am I the first white guy you've dated?"

She let out an unceremonious snort. "This is Seattle. No. But you are the first in awhile. Decided to take a chance on you."

That made him feel bizarrely pleased. He wasn't the Worst.

"I'm pretty tired but there's something I wanna talk about first," Leoni started. She nervously tugged at a curl. 

"Of course," he said. He reached for her hand. What was she going to say?

"Well. I want to have sex, eventually. But I just have to make sure, you know. When is the last time you got tested for any STIs? Not a dealbreaker, just need to know."

He breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh. I thought you were going to tell me you're ethically non monogamous or something. Not that it's bad, just not for me. About four months ago, I get them at the V.A with my physicals. It was all negative. I haven't slept with anyone since then."

"Mine was a few weeks ago. Same." She shrugged. "Wanted to be safe cause uh. You know, you're attractive. Better to double check."

Adrik would never get tired of hearing that Leoni thought he was good looking. "Anything else?"

"Yeah. Nonnegotiable, we use protection. And if I get pregnant for some godforsaken reason at this time in my life, I'm getting it terminated. Are you okay with that?"

"Absolutely," he said. Being a father sounded like the worst possible idea for him right now. Maybe someday but not when he was trying to get his life in order. He almost felt like they should shake on it but instead she leaned in and kissed him. 

He would never get over her, it seemed. Especially when she gently pushed him back onto the bed, and her weight shifted over him.Soft curves for days and he tentatively let himself move a hand from the back of her thigh up to her rear. Leoni didn't protest but gave him a playful nip on his bottom lip.

"Don't get me started, boy," she warned. He lifted his hand up and she sat back with a groan. "I'm going to get ready for bed." Then she disappeared into the bathroom with her bag.

He fell back onto his bed with a smile. Adrik felt like the luckiest person on earth. His phone began to vibrate and he snoozed it, sitting back up to grab his medicine out of the nightstand. 

"Do you want some water?" He shouted to Leoni.

"Sure!"

Back in the bedroom he downed the pills that kept him functioning, quickly trying to hide them before Leoni saw. Every millenial seemed to be on antidepressants but he didn't want her to see the antipsychotics that kept worse nightmares and thoughts at bay. Then he slipped into his own pajamas.

Leoni came out in a tank top and pajama bottoms, her tied in a satin scarf. She was soft in his arm and he couldn't remember the last time he actually spent the night with someone on purpose. Normally one or the other dipped out. 

But she was there in the morning, half on top of him. Her scarf was half off, and she had the blanket tucked to her chin. Warmth spread in his chest at the image. He wished for his second arm, if only to grab his cell phone and snap a picture. 

The day was beautifully lazy. They made eggs for breakfast and alternated between reading, watching TV, and fooling around. Her body was just as beautiful as her personality and he wanted to memorize every divot and and mark, every sharp inhale and dreamy smile. 

And she made him feel good too. When she saw the stump for the first time. Her lips on his bare skin was the sweetest salvation. Adrik actually felt physically and mentally good. There was no hurt or dark cloud. Just her. Work. A curiosity for the world around him.

When the work week rolled around, they got ready in the morning together. It took some juggling of bathroom time but they took the bus together in the cold, and he gave her a quick kiss before they went to their respective jobs.

Adrik didnt trust the feeling. That things could be alright. Not hating who he was or what he saw in the mirror. The only thing that worried him was the intensity of his emotion. That Leoni would never feel the same way about him. But he was still better having known her. 

Winter was a never ending drizzle in Washington, as December trucked on. Leoni was having a hard time. Bad weather meant more sick people. More people dying. 

Adrik lay with Leoni on her bed - she still smiled and chat but there were deep impressions under her eyes and she was unfocused. It wasn't anything like he saw before. 

"You okay?" He asked. 

"Rough day at work. The shelters are full and the city council is trying to tear down the tent cities." She groaned. "Its hard to relax knowing I'm fine and they're out there."

Adrik had no idea what to do. It was eating her alive. "My therapist tells me to get some fresh air. Have you been outside much?" He asked hopefully. "Why don't we go get some stuff for hot chocolate." He paused. "We can spike it with bailey's."

She rolled out of his bed and they left. Nadia and Tamar waved, but didn't push conversation. 

They held hands, walking to the QFC. Half n half. Milk. Bittersweet chocolate. Semi sweet chocolate. They even got whip cream. With the groceries secured in his backpack, they started the uphill walk back. 

Adrik heard the mumbling before he saw the scene. In an alleyway, a man stumbling. His head violently swung forward and he seemed unable to even sit up. His instinct was to pull Leoni closer but she shrugged him off.

"Wait!" He didnt know who this crazy person was. But she went right up and put her fingers on his throat. 

"Still breathing." Then she took out her cell phone. "Call 911 and tell them we have an opioid overdose at Pike and 11th."

Adrik grabbed his own phone while she turned on the flashlight and waved it in the man's face. Despite the gross, dirty alleyway, she muddied her jeans on the wet pavement. "Hang on Rodney," she muttered before opening her purse. While Adrik told the operator, he saw her pull out a syringe and bottle. He winced when she stabbed the man in the thigh with it.

"Help me sit him up," she told Adrik. The people around them didn't even look over, as Adrik helped Leoni move the man against the wall. He would have been one of them - kept moving along.

"Was that Narcan?" He asked. 

She nodded. "I carry it in my purse all the time."

Adrik had seen men die. He almost died in the process of seeing men die. And civilians. They whispered at night asking why he didn't save more of them. But this was new - a person so alone. A person that many others didn't consider a person. Alone, with Leoni as the only person who bothered to stop and help him. He was ashamed of himself.

When the ambulance arrived, Leoni recounted what she knew. "Around 50s. Comes to our showers and stays in the Tent City under the 7th Ave overpass," she said. 

"That encampment was relocated earlier today," the EMT said.

"Fuck," she groaned, putting her head in her hands. 

"Go home. Sleep," they told her. 

Leoni was silent the rest of the walk. Adrik had no idea what to say. She went straight into his room, into the bathroom, and locked the door. 

"Leoni?  _ Solnyshko? _ " He asked. "What can I do."

"I'm fine," she said. She did not sound fine. But when the shower turned on, he gave up and went into the kitchen. Nadia and Tamar sat on the couch, looking concerned.

"What happened?"

He told them about the man overdosing. Rodney. The encampment being shut down. Not enough resources. The struggling budget for case workers and advocates. There was nothing to do. So he made spiked hot chocolate, and brought mugs in on a tray. He waited nervously until she stepped out of the shower.

She was wearing one of his t shirts and her eyes were red. Leoni plopped down into the bed and looked at Adrik before bursting into tears. 

"I hate the holidays," she said over a sob. "Everyone is inundated to spend money and give gifts and have fun and I feel useless. There's so much suffering. I can never do enough." 

Adrik pulled her into his chest as she cried. "You make a difference."

"I'm trying to stop a gunshot wound with a bandaid. We'll never have affordable housing. We'll never have the funding. Or people to just care." Leoni crumpled in on herself, and his heart broke into a million pieces. He knew she had been having a hard time but not like this. 

"I can't pretend to understand it all," Adrik said. "If I could solve it I could. Instead, please let me take care of the person taking care of them." He brushed some of her tears with his thumb. "Tell me what you need."

She sniffled and wiped her face. There was pain in her eyes. "Can you just hold me?" She paused. "And maybe smoke me out?"

He couldn't help but chuckle, and she giggled in return. "Only if you drink some of this," he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey the opioid crisis is something very personal to me - if you are a legal adult in the U.S. you can get narcan for free to carry around and trained to administer it. The effects last for 30-90 minutes and can save lives.


End file.
